My Own Shortcomings

One of my friends from kindergarten is getting married in October, and her bridal shower was this past weekend. My mom and I went together(her mom and mine are really good friends), and ended up having a really good time.

Here was my dilemma: I really didn't want to go. First, I'm just not social. As any of my close friends will say, I suck at maintaining relationships. I can go for months without talking to folks, but the ones that remain my best friends just answer when I finally call and tell me they still love me.

 Second is that she is a doctor, and she is marrying a doctor. Sounds like a "so what" type thing, but to me it's not. She and I started on the same path...played sports through school(she was a basketball and track all-star), got good grades, got accepted to U of M and were roommates freshman year. Here is where the paths diverged...she studied and stayed on a pre-med path, I socialized and dated and changed my major 3 times. Fast forward 10 years and we are where we are. I am not totally without anything to show, I have my B.A. in Spanish Language and Literature and all but the actual nursing courses done on the way to my BSN. I just felt...inadequate in comparison. I love my children and my husband and more days than not I am content with my life, and I realize that God doesn't make mistakes in His plan. For whatever reason I am in this particular path, and the journey is designed just this way to bring Him glory. But still...when I look at her I think, a lot, about where I would have been now if I had been more dedicated to school.  The way I imagine it I would still have my same kids and Hubs, but we would have buckets more money(probably not the case). About this point I realize I have conveniently "forgotten" that I decided to leave the pre-med track because being a doctor was not something I was at all passionate about. My friend on the other hand loves it, and is very passionate about changing our country's health care system.

Third: I was very nervous to be the frumpy mom of two friend at the shower, and as I suspected ALL of her other friends who were there looked like supermodels in their too-high-for-me stillettos and little party dresses. (Side Note to self: step it up for the wedding) I pretty much just hung with my mom until my friend got there(late to her own shower I might add LOL). When she did I was so glad I came, she was her usual self that I have loved for years.  Since I didn't know a lot of the girls she introduced me, and included that we've been friends since kindergarten which(intentional or no) made me feel like I was special to her.

I think the real reason I was feeling less than enthusiastic is that in confronting these feelings that were all about me, I was looking back on things I have done that I consider mistakes. I try not to do this since it doesn't change anything, but when I do I feel shame and disappointment in myself all over again. I prayed to be delivered from those feelings, and for the strength to forgive myself and be proud of the person I have become in spite of them.

So as I get ready to celebrate in her honor in a month or so, I try to remember that the choices I made are mine, and no amount of what if will change what is. When I play with my munchkins and kiss on my Hubs I find myself praying that one day my friend will be as happy with her own hubs and kiddos as I am, no matter what path we went to get there.